The fear

Taking a leap of faith,
When i have walked baby steps throughout,
I am scared.
The overwhelming happiness,
The trobbing heart of getting
What i asked.
And yet, i am scared.
That it will disappear,
In the blink of an eye,
Not even bidding goodbye.
Yes. I am scared.
With sparkling eyes
And never ending smile,
Awaken at last by
A beautiful surprise
Still i am scared.
Its tricky and miraculous,
Dangerously fabulous.
Its on a thin line between,
Dream and nightmare,
Gaze and stare,
Gone and there.
I am scared.
Its too much to lose,
Too less to hold on to,
To early to decide.
To fragile to recide.
Its a fear of being fearless,
Its being naked in shyness
Illusionarily realistic,
Innocently sarcastic.
I am scared of being scared,
Its all new
Fresh as the morning dew
Knowingly unknown
A Mischievous frown
Its about me and its about you
The one i am
and the one i am with you.






Abandoned like a room old and dark,
Miles away, my SCUFFED heart.
awoken at last,
Scrubbing the RUST,
Shining, it must.
Glittering with your trust.
The PARTICLES of dust,
The CREASED emotions,
The overwhelming numbness,
The years of emptiness,
MOCKING it all vanished,
Your kisses left me astonished.
You read me like a classic book,
Every page of rage you took
By flashing a beautiful smile,
And whispering it’s alright,
You made me THINK
It is possible to live a dream,
That you won’t disappear,
In an inevitable blink
You, my love are one of a kind,
My escape from the prison
Of my own mind.



It seems so unfair,
To be able to see it,
Feel it,
Want it,
Fight for it
But never really able to touch it, grab it, hug it.
It teases with its soft touch,
Running from my eyes, tears.
Stealing kisses from my lips
And dreams from my nights.
It comes with the winds to take my breath away.
And yet it leaves me to live, suffer
In the bittersweetness of its constant presence and absence.

Is morning sunshine,
Thunder and rain,
Evening breeze
Mooneless darkness.
Love is happiness and sadness
Combined with contentment and urges
Its having freedom of control and control of freedom.
A paradox in itself, mocking on sarcasm.
The one challenging the irony of hope.
The little whisper of faith and
Eternal misery of wait.
Love is not a feeling,
Not a person,
Not a being.
Love is love, everything and nothing.




You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
She is heavily guarded by walls around her,  you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.

You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.


And i died last night,
He clutched my heart,
And trapped me in the pain.
I saw everything in front my eyes.
Smiles, tears, broken promises,  friends, family, loneliness.
My life was over, almost.
And the night was my new home.
The darkness welcomed me
With open arms.
I surrendered, almost.
Hope.  Believe. Somebody whispered,
Did i ever said no to you, said another voice.
I just have few hours, a third voice.
Three voices, three bright lights.
Took me to the morning through the stormy night.
I swayed with eyes closed,
All strength lost,  almost.
Numb, faint, ready to float.
Breathe again, morning was close.
Blinking i opened my eyes.
Another gloomy night i survived.
Escaping from the darkness with some friendly lights.



I wanna laugh and I wanna cry
I wanna whisper in your ear
And shout out loud.
I wanna lie down
And I wanna jump up and down.
I am nervous
I am thrilled
I wanna stay
And I wanna go away
I wanna be me
And be something new.
I wanna walk on this ground
But fly in the sky
I wanna travel the world
And come back to my home.
I wanna giggle with you
And meet someone new
I wanna be surprised
And still se familiarity
I want to have predictable
In unpredictability.
I wish solitude
And group of crazy people
I am scared
I m sad
And i m excited.
I am waiting for it
While dreading for it.
I will miss you so much
And I m saying goodbye.

Can you?

Can you see past the obvious?
Would you?
Look at me beyond the pretense?
Hear me laugh, watch me dance.
Would you try to find what i hide
Behind my specs, in my eyes.
When my heart skips a beat and i just smile.
Do you see the beauty that’s not on my face,. Not in my eyes not in my grace..
Do you see the beauty in my words,
In my silence, in my curse.
Would you dare to love the flaws of
My life,  imperfection of my nature,
Scars of my past.
If you do it all would it then last?
Or you’ll walk away once the mystery unfolds
Many tales are hence told,
Or forever is a promise
That you promise to keep.
Should  i run it with my blood
Or hide it soul deep?
Or should i whisper it to the world?
Or throw it in the trash?
Is it just words?
Or not even that?
Did i misread?
Or assumed the unsaid?
Would you be what i think you are?
Or all i think is wrong.
Would this tune be lost in silence
Or we’ll sing our own song.

New Girl

If i can have fictional friends i gonna take nick miller, Winston and Schmidt
From new girl.


Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.”

And also,

Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.”

He may need a douche bag jar for more than 10 times a day but he is in every sense a gentleman, caring friend and great cook.

nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, put on pants.”

“ Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

But then,

“ Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that. ”

Alcoholic, grumpy, aimless person who is great with advises. You may not feel his presence important but you’ll definitely found his absence hard to deal with.

Winston :
His idea of prank
Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they’re about to order dessert. ”

But he is the sane one.

“ i think i m having periods

No, not really.

Winston is someone who normally has no clue about what’s happening around. But he dives headfirst into everything with his friends, he will compete with you die hard even about menstruation.

I know its the weirdest combination ever. Having them as friends is adding comic even to the worst messes of life.
Schmidt will control everything around,
Coping up with constant rants and nags of nick.
Pranking with Winston 😂😂😂😂 that will probably get me killed or arrested.
But most importantly to have each other’s back.

I know i can count on them like jess can. I can talk to them about anything and everything( even my PMSing).
I can be crazy, weird, annoying as hell and even when i get on their nerves,
I know they will be there no matter what and how ugly my mess is.
With a box of tissues, or a hockey bat, or a bottle of beer or a stupid trick to help.
They will be there to save the day.

We will fight at stupid issues,
Against Schmidt’s no animals in the loft rule. I want a cat!
Or Nick’s i don’t give a damn attitude and also i love my ex. No you don’t!
Or Winston’s pranks, i just love his pranks😍.

From Schmidt throwing a friendship anniversary party to nick being always there in sad, ugly, depressing moments,
from Winston’s imagination that knows no ends to Nick’s fix it all, plumber cum carpenter cum at your service bartender mode.
I would love to have them as my Fictional friends.


Mostly I have always termed suicide as cowardice but now i actually can’t. because sometimes everything breaks inside you sometimes all you want is to stop being a name or a gender, to stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, stop being you, to choose not to exist at all, not to matter not even to yourself.

living is fighting and when you can’t see what you are fighting for or is it even worth it? giving up seems so tempting.

The battle with loneliness is worst when  you have ppl around you but you just can’t connect to them, not the lack of someone but lack of ability to make them understand you. 

I believe strongest is the person who has been most vulnerable once.

Emotional pain and helplessness is probably the worst combination ever. Trust me when i say this, one would do anything literally anything to escape these. That’s why most ppl hurt themselves. 

 I m not suicidal, I still don’t suggest killing yourself as a solution because 

even when you feel you have noone, you still have yourself.

 When thinking about living becomes scary, remind yourself it won’t be same forever. It gets better, if you survive worst, you will reach your best. You have to keep hope alive.  Its necessary to survive and sometimes that’s what happens living a little less surviving a little more but the question remains 

is it better than dying? Dying in parts?


Unrequited Love

I have watched you looking at her the way i look at you.
And i saw the pain on your face that i understood.
The agony of having no control over your own life
As if the key is in someone else’s hand
And you are locked in suffering forever.
There is nothing you could say or do
To change what is true.
I saw how it kills you but you still smile, for her
Like i do for you.
Hiding tears, faking enthusiasm.
Portraying a bold face or a cold indifference.
Both of us silently screaming.
Sometimes its too much
I know you wanna grab her and ask why? Why it can’t be you? Why it can’t be me?
You want her to make you hate her, i want to hate you too. But what can we really do?
Its not her fault, its neither mine nor yours.
We are doomed for rest of our existence
Hoping for a miracle
Dying inside.
You for her and i for you.