She

You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
Out.
She is heavily guarded by walls around her,  you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.

You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.

Suicide 

Mostly I have always termed suicide as cowardice but now i actually can’t. because sometimes everything breaks inside you sometimes all you want is to stop being a name or a gender, to stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, stop being you, to choose not to exist at all, not to matter not even to yourself.

living is fighting and when you can’t see what you are fighting for or is it even worth it? giving up seems so tempting.

The battle with loneliness is worst when  you have ppl around you but you just can’t connect to them, not the lack of someone but lack of ability to make them understand you. 

I believe strongest is the person who has been most vulnerable once.

Emotional pain and helplessness is probably the worst combination ever. Trust me when i say this, one would do anything literally anything to escape these. That’s why most ppl hurt themselves. 

 I m not suicidal, I still don’t suggest killing yourself as a solution because 

even when you feel you have noone, you still have yourself.

 When thinking about living becomes scary, remind yourself it won’t be same forever. It gets better, if you survive worst, you will reach your best. You have to keep hope alive.  Its necessary to survive and sometimes that’s what happens living a little less surviving a little more but the question remains 

is it better than dying? Dying in parts?
 

 

Thoughts

It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too. 

Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.

The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.

In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts. 

How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.

Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.

It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.

Short story 

It was just another stupid party that they were in,
By they i mean mike and Shelly. Mike being a maths nerd was only there because Shelly loved parties. She wasn’t IMPOSING or anything it was how their friendship worked. Mike being cool with whatever Shelly wants and Shelly being Shelly cool, unpredictable and reckless.

Mike was wondering what hell was he doing in the middle of this stupid game when the bottle stopped in front of him.
And a moron guy asked him to kiss Shelly.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Everyone shouted as of their lives depend on his first kiss.
It’s ok mike its just a game said Shelly.
Just a game? He wanted to do it since forever, he has been in love with her since middle school but here he was a shy friendzoned maths nerd and she beautiful, outgoing, popular girl oblivious to his love for her.
It was a relief for him. The UNCERTAINTY was too high even according to his calculations. He can’t put his friendship on stake by telling her.
He was shaken out of his thought by Caleb, the cool guy who has been hitting on Shelly from the moment they arrived at his party.
Cmon dude, be a man.
Kiss her i know you want to. Caleb smirked.
Shut up Caleb leave him alone. Shelly chided him.
Well that was worse, she coming to his rescue.
C’mon oh! you don’t know how he looks at you, almost drooling. I bet he kisses you in his dreams.
I said shut up..
And it was too much, he walked away.
Shelly called after him
Mike?
Mike!
Mike stop!
They were out on the road. She grabbed his hand.
Mike where are you going?
I don’t belong here Shelly this place isn’t for guys like me. He said.
What are you saying you love coming to these parties. Shelly replied confused.
No i come because you like these parties, i come for you. But i can’t kiss you like that. Not like that no.
Like what?. He was thankful that it was dark out there.
And then out of the dark they saw HEADLIGHTS coming fast towards them and they held each other’s hand, closed their eyes.
Shelly swore.
“we are about to die” he yelled
But it came to a HALT right it front of them.
They kissed.
She chuckled “we are alive”
“More than ever” he said.
She raised an eyebrow at him “so?”
“Shelly i couldn’t kiss you and pretend its just a game as if it means nothing to me. ”
“Are you SUGGESTING that… ” she started

“Yes i may not be cool and lively like you and you wouldn’t go out with a guy who would bore you to the death. I… I understand and i don’t want to affect our friendship a.. And..…”
She interrupted him by a kiss
“And here i was thinking you deserve better that i m not good enough for you. ” she confessed
“What? “he blinked
“I guess we both assumed wrong ” she said
“move out of the way idiots ” the guy in the car yelled.
Laughing they both went hand in hand towards love.

Enchanting Story

I waited my whole life For this to happen.That someday i gonna take a turn and the scene would be different.
Like narnia, hogwarts, fillory.I will dive in to a new beginning and after looking in every closet in every plateform between 9 and 10,Through every clock and
collecting many buttons.
Nothing happened until then.
Just when i decided to give up i stumbled across it.
I ran into an accident and woke up in it.

The beauty FORBIDDEN in my
World,the rainbows, the river, the scent of flowers,Birds chirping,Squirrels running.
Clean air,glittering land.
I also saw mister beaver.
A small pond of choclate and
Some candy trees of every flavor i saw gnomes squealing giggling And a fairy whispered in my ear.
“You came here oh mighty human!
To this ENCHANTED perilous place. ” PERILOUS ?
But its so beautiful so pure
I interjected.
” … and every beauty has a price.” She corrected.
The fairy choked with wide eyes and flew away in mist. I call for her but she disappeared so i tried taking a look around, went in the dense forest.
Something came behind me
Eyes blindfolded, i was lifted and i felt the earth moving then stopped when the smell of mud filled it. I ripped the blindfold off in the darkness. I stood up and looked around.there was noone. I was in a cave,the walls were wet. A little nudge on the feet i blinked and look down. Drawfs?
No goblins sir.
My name is mitaku and i m
Tarifi sir.
And i…
Ok hello.. Er.. so why did you kidnapped me? I asked
Because its not safe out there for you sir. Mitaku replied.
Why?
This is the world of beautiful ILLUSION sir.
Everything you can dream of is there, To some its just a good job or high salary
To some its a big plate of food, To some its a whole world. You made this world happen, so think what peril you must have added?
I.. I don’t know
Look around and think what it reminds you of?
The land is as beautiful as fillory, the creatures are as funny as narnians then if i added fillory and narnia there must be something of potter’s.
Is it dementors?
Or you know who?
Or pink fluffy umbridge?
Its black and fluffy no pink sir without a nose under a hood.
She is… She is..
We can’t take her name sir.
You know who is a she?
What is her name?
Lady voldemrige.
I gave a shaky laugh. It is really my imagination.

So i need to defeat her? Yes sir if you defeat her the kingdom will be yours.
Easy peasy its all in my mind isn’t it?
You don’t know the peril of poisonous thoughts sir.
You made it all happened by what you thought and once you think you can’t unthink it.
She is made up of your weaknesses, your worst nightmare, your worst memories. We have been keeping up with her but its you who needs to fight her or she will take over and this whole beautiful world will be enchanted with her darkness, we will all be frozen forever and you will suffer a fate worse than death.
I gulped. How do i fight her?
oh silly with all the goodness you have. Squealed a tiny little goblin girl from behind.
i told you to keep quiet terri said the leader mitaku.
So there are goblins and fairies and talking animals what else?no human?
I mean if there is a version of voldemort there must be
Alice? Hermione? Lucy?
I didn’t get you sir said mitaku
Obviously he is talking about the fountain girl. Squealed terri.
The fountain girl?
No no don’t stop her. Speak little one.

The girl who merpeople saw near the fountain, disappers in thin air. Dress in white,
Blond hair. Merpeople say she is a cursed witch. To free her from curse you have to kill the witch.
Lets kill the witch i said.
If you want to kill the witch you need to defeat her in her own game.
Its now or never. I have waited my whole life for a chance now is my chance to do something good, to be a hero.
I gonna challenge the evil witch i gonna save the good witch and i gonna rule this mind palace.
Marching out of the cave towards the battle ground.

The scene at the battle ground resembled that one stage i never succeded in the video game. She was there with a glowing sword laughing at me. I had my bow and arrow ready. Its simple three chances to kill and survive or lose and die.
I missed the first arrow, she moved so fast and i saw blood dripping, she got my shoulder.
With injured shoulder and shaking hands i aimed again towards when she came the white witch and whispered
Aim at the hawk, the evil’s bird. She gets her power from th bird. Kill the bird.
I know i just have this one moment before voldmridge knew what i did, i did it. She screamed with pain and fury and all went black. Every humiliating memory, every bad experience flashed around my eyes. The day he died, my father. The day she left, my lover. The day i failed. The darkness was growing on me slowly and slowly but then she jerked me up like a white light. Don’t lose it she said aim at her black heart but with the bunch of good thoughts, beautiful memories and happiness. you can do it.
I saw my mother’s face smiling, dad’s proud pat on my back, my dog running towards me and i killed the evil witch.
The sun shone bright.
The creatures yelled with delight
The beaver crowned me the king. The savior of my own world. She came smiling, more visible, more beautiful.
What’s your name? i asked
Alione she chirped.
Will you be my queen?
Oh but i already am.
This is my happily ever after.
I m here in my enchanted world.

He will survive, the accident was horrible..
but?
“He may remain in coma for indefinite time” said the doctor.

Twilight 

Teenage love, roses, chocolate, hide and seek romance, innocent promises. The twilight saga seems a perfect partner for any teenage girl.Where do i start? 

From how i get exactly

“It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.”?

What this means. 

Or

 the way lion fell in love with the lamb? 

Edward masen cullen, a good vampire, a perfect boyfriend. Every girl’s dream guy. 

With bella we all fell for him, 

Like bella we all had a heart break when he left

And like bella we all ran to him racing to save something infinity more precious. 

They gave us hope to believe in true love, 

“Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you”



They gave us courage to choose
 

“The right thing isn’t always real obvious. Sometimes the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for someone else. So…good luck figuring that out.”


And it became our brand of heroin

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

Bella was frozed forever in her teens but the bella in me grew up. Her flawless world stopped matching mine. And as she said

“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.”

Somewhere twilight has made me a better person , even if i count the similarities in choices or dissimilarities in actions both as equally been eye opener to me. 

“I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever.”

Nothing

There is no such thing as past present or future. Its all time.
We do not live a century in the time consisting of uncountable centuries. What are we in the course of time?
Just like an ant is for us, Negligible nobody?
Time is infinite, we numbered it. Its passing, flowing like water in the river and we are like fishes going with it to our deaths but what impact do they have on river? What impact do we have on time? We do more harm then good.
We made a system out of it just to fool ourselves, dividing it. Saving it. Wasting it. As if it matters!
We are deluded into trying to leave an impact on it.
We think of future, in order to escape horrors of present.
We carry a burden from past.
And thats how we die.
And it does not matter.
Birth or death.
In an endless cycle of time.
What is death or birth?
Nothing
And that’s what we are.
Absolutely nothing.

A Strange Encounter

He lived a busy life in the city. But he was never truly happy and he knew something was missing.

One night he walked up the hill overlooking his city. The thousands of lights couldn’t brighten his mood.
He turned around to walk back to his car when he saw movement in the bushes
“Who is there? ”
Panicking of being robbed he searched around for a broken glass bottle to defend himself. With a broken piece of glass in hand he called again.
“Show yourself ”
Not sure if he actually saw something or he imagined it. he turned again to leave when a voice came, almost a whisper.
” I don’t mean to hurt you”
He saw a beautiful girl standing in a short white dress, with long red hairs looking at him. It was difficult to say the color of her eyes but they must be chocolate brown.
She was barefoot.
“What are you doing here miss? ” He asked.
” I like up here. Its all so beautiful from here, you can’t guess the loneliness, the emptiness, the bitterness of the people who live in there.
You can’t see the faded paint of the buildings, you can’t hear the noisy honks or breathe polluted smoke. ”
she answered in a soft voice.
“True that’s why i came here. I m Dominique holden and you?”
“It doesn’t matter who you are or what your name is. ”
Why? He asked curiously.
” Wearing a well tailored expensive suit,
Shiny shoes not at all recommended for tracking to be honest, reeking of more than one perfume, a car waiting down the hill. a businessman.
More money than you can spend.
Boring, fed up with life, so busy that you cannot even afford to die,
sulking alone on a hilltop wondering what’s missing . ”
“Excuse me? ” he asked
Anger flushed on his face, he was angry not only because of her words but because of the truth in them.

” I have worked hard to reach where i m today at the age of 28 i have the biggest mansion of this town, i will soon be married to the most eligible bachelorette of this town and according to the growth rate of my company in 5 years I’ll have enough money that my next generation can spend their entire lives in luxury without working at all. ”

” Nice, Mr. Richy rich. You have everything that anyone in the town will dream of and still instead of resting on the soft comfy couch of your mansion you are here surrounded by Mosquitoes talking to a stranger you know nothing about trying to prove how lovely your life is..
“I m n.. Not trying to prove anything ” he yelled out.
” Sorry. i didn mean to shout “embarrassed he muttered.
She smiled.
” Who are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
“It doesn’t matter what you think. You are a nobody to me” he replied annoyingly.
“Yes of course it doesn’t. I m noone but a stranger. You can walk away now and we may never meet again. There are a lot of people in this town who admires you for who you are, respects you for your work, work under you everyday why does a strange girl’s who met you at a hill top matters?” she replied matter of factly.
He sighed “because you saw the truth noone else ever did and you have the courage to throw it on my face with a smile too.”

“Oh Dominique! Look, look at the city what do you see? Everybody claims to be working to earn happiness. They see happiness in monetary objects. You are no different. So far in your life you have earned to live in luxury but no amount of luxury can provide the happiness you are seeking.” He chirped

“But we need things to survive, lecture about happiness to an empty stomach or to a shelterless man on a stormy night. ” he answered smartly

” I never said money isn’t necessary but its not everything. ” she said

” Then what is it that makes you feel complete? How to be happy?” curiously he asked.

That i can’t tell you, i can’t tell you what can make you happy. That’s for you to figure out.

Ok fair enough.
what makes you happy? you can tell me that right? May be I’ll find my way to happiness through yours.

Yes. I can tell you that.
My idea of happiness lies in little things,
Freedom of being unapologetically me.
Compassion for needy.
When a stranger smiles back at me.
When i share my food with a dog.
Fighting for the love of my life.
Dancing in the rain.
Memories that are worth more than all the money in the world.
Happiness lies in true essence of life.
Living it the fullest.

Inspired by her words. He smiled after a very long time. The stranger’s words have sank deep and opened up a vault of hope in his heart. He remembered his childhood, things that he used to enjoy. Friends with whom he spent the happiest time of his life. The teenage love he never really got over with.

“I see you are smiling. I leave you here now” she turned and started walking.
” wait you haven’t told me your name” he asked, in his mind he was determined to know more about her.
She stopped.
“With what name would you like to call me? She asked.
“So you won’t tell me your name?” His heart sank.
“C’mon choose a name ” she said ignoring his questions.
After thinking for a minute he replied.
” ava”

“The bird” she laughed in the most beautiful voice he had ever heard.
“Good bye Dominique, hope you will find your happiness ”

She walked away.
” Wait… You haven’t told me about yourself, how can i find you again?”
But she was gone.

From Next day, he was determined to make a difference.
When he entered the office as usual every employee wished him good morning the unusual was his smile at them.
Half way through the day, he walked to the old age home and registered to be a part of regular visitor’s group.
They days went by, he found a new spirit in his life. A new approach.
He was no longer missing anything.
Marriage was no longer a business deal or a status symbol for him.
He was determined to find love.
It wasn’t about money making anymore either.
He was spending it with both hands for good causes, making sure no one sleep empty stomach.
Building shelter homes, education centres.
Each step of compassion was a step towards his happiness.
He took out time to meet his old friends, planning visits, vacations.
He went back to his old love, books every night sleep came peacefully to him.
He finally found solace in his own life.
He wanted to meet the person who changed his life.
Determined to find her, he directed his best men to search for her.
Asked around the whole town himself but she was nowhere to be found.
Frustrated by the failure he went back to the hill . his last hope.
But she wasn’t there.
He found a piece of paper there, a letter.

Dear Dominique,
I knew you will come finding me.
I hope you have found your happiness, don’t let anything take it away from you. Not even me.
Stop searching me as I m somewhere you cannot reach. Enjoy the beautiful life you have, for yourself and for me.
Yours
Ava.