She

You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
Out.
She is heavily guarded by walls around her,  you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.

You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.

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Hope

And i died last night,
He clutched my heart,
And trapped me in the pain.
I saw everything in front my eyes.
Smiles, tears, broken promises,  friends, family, loneliness.
My life was over, almost.
And the night was my new home.
The darkness welcomed me
With open arms.
I surrendered, almost.
Hope.  Believe. Somebody whispered,
Did i ever said no to you, said another voice.
I just have few hours, a third voice.
Three voices, three bright lights.
Took me to the morning through the stormy night.
I swayed with eyes closed,
All strength lost,  almost.
Numb, faint, ready to float.
Breathe again, morning was close.
Blinking i opened my eyes.
Another gloomy night i survived.
Escaping from the darkness with some friendly lights.

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Goodbye

I wanna laugh and I wanna cry
I wanna whisper in your ear
And shout out loud.
I wanna lie down
And I wanna jump up and down.
I am nervous
I am thrilled
I wanna stay
And I wanna go away
I wanna be me
And be something new.
I wanna walk on this ground
But fly in the sky
I wanna travel the world
And come back to my home.
I wanna giggle with you
And meet someone new
I wanna be surprised
And still se familiarity
I want to have predictable
In unpredictability.
I wish solitude
And group of crazy people
I am scared
I m sad
And i m excited.
I am waiting for it
While dreading for it.
I will miss you so much
And I m saying goodbye.

Can you?

Can you see past the obvious?
Would you?
Look at me beyond the pretense?
Hear me laugh, watch me dance.
Would you try to find what i hide
Behind my specs, in my eyes.
When my heart skips a beat and i just smile.
Do you see the beauty that’s not on my face,. Not in my eyes not in my grace..
Do you see the beauty in my words,
In my silence, in my curse.
Would you dare to love the flaws of
My life,  imperfection of my nature,
Scars of my past.
If you do it all would it then last?
Or you’ll walk away once the mystery unfolds
Many tales are hence told,
Or forever is a promise
That you promise to keep.
Should  i run it with my blood
Or hide it soul deep?
Or should i whisper it to the world?
Or throw it in the trash?
Is it just words?
Or not even that?
Did i misread?
Or assumed the unsaid?
Would you be what i think you are?
Or all i think is wrong.
Would this tune be lost in silence
Or we’ll sing our own song.
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New Girl

If i can have fictional friends i gonna take nick miller, Winston and Schmidt
From new girl.

Schmidt

Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.”

And also,

Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.”

He may need a douche bag jar for more than 10 times a day but he is in every sense a gentleman, caring friend and great cook.

Nick
nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, put on pants.”

“ Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

But then,

“ Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that. ”

Alcoholic, grumpy, aimless person who is great with advises. You may not feel his presence important but you’ll definitely found his absence hard to deal with.

Winston :
His idea of prank
Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they’re about to order dessert. ”

But he is the sane one.

“ i think i m having periods


No, not really.

Winston is someone who normally has no clue about what’s happening around. But he dives headfirst into everything with his friends, he will compete with you die hard even about menstruation.

I know its the weirdest combination ever. Having them as friends is adding comic even to the worst messes of life.
Schmidt will control everything around,
Coping up with constant rants and nags of nick.
Pranking with Winston 😂😂😂😂 that will probably get me killed or arrested.
But most importantly to have each other’s back.

I know i can count on them like jess can. I can talk to them about anything and everything( even my PMSing).
I can be crazy, weird, annoying as hell and even when i get on their nerves,
I know they will be there no matter what and how ugly my mess is.
With a box of tissues, or a hockey bat, or a bottle of beer or a stupid trick to help.
They will be there to save the day.

We will fight at stupid issues,
Against Schmidt’s no animals in the loft rule. I want a cat!
Or Nick’s i don’t give a damn attitude and also i love my ex. No you don’t!
Or Winston’s pranks, i just love his pranks😍.

From Schmidt throwing a friendship anniversary party to nick being always there in sad, ugly, depressing moments,
from Winston’s imagination that knows no ends to Nick’s fix it all, plumber cum carpenter cum at your service bartender mode.
I would love to have them as my Fictional friends.

Suicide 

Mostly I have always termed suicide as cowardice but now i actually can’t. because sometimes everything breaks inside you sometimes all you want is to stop being a name or a gender, to stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, stop being you, to choose not to exist at all, not to matter not even to yourself.

living is fighting and when you can’t see what you are fighting for or is it even worth it? giving up seems so tempting.

The battle with loneliness is worst when  you have ppl around you but you just can’t connect to them, not the lack of someone but lack of ability to make them understand you. 

I believe strongest is the person who has been most vulnerable once.

Emotional pain and helplessness is probably the worst combination ever. Trust me when i say this, one would do anything literally anything to escape these. That’s why most ppl hurt themselves. 

 I m not suicidal, I still don’t suggest killing yourself as a solution because 

even when you feel you have noone, you still have yourself.

 When thinking about living becomes scary, remind yourself it won’t be same forever. It gets better, if you survive worst, you will reach your best. You have to keep hope alive.  Its necessary to survive and sometimes that’s what happens living a little less surviving a little more but the question remains 

is it better than dying? Dying in parts?
 

 

Unrequited Love

I have watched you looking at her the way i look at you.
And i saw the pain on your face that i understood.
The agony of having no control over your own life
As if the key is in someone else’s hand
And you are locked in suffering forever.
There is nothing you could say or do
To change what is true.
I saw how it kills you but you still smile, for her
Like i do for you.
Hiding tears, faking enthusiasm.
Portraying a bold face or a cold indifference.
Both of us silently screaming.
Sometimes its too much
I know you wanna grab her and ask why? Why it can’t be you? Why it can’t be me?
You want her to make you hate her, i want to hate you too. But what can we really do?
Its not her fault, its neither mine nor yours.
We are doomed for rest of our existence
Hoping for a miracle
Dying inside.
You for her and i for you.


Dark Light

Chapter 1
Odd place
.

‘I don’t think its a good idea guys. ‘ said timara for the fifth time.
‘ Cmon dude it’s fine.’ Rachel chirped.
‘I think we took a wrong turn’ timara tried again nervously.
‘No, we are alright just a little more.’ said David
‘Are you..’ timara tried again but karine cut her
‘Yes tee. Now shut up.’
Bored of the same places of the small town they decided to explore little outside the town they had been driving for hours now to some place victor found on the internet. There was not much details of the place and timara wasn’t sure if its actually there. But she had this odd feeling about it

‘Here it is.’ said Sean
And suddenly the place felt right to timara as if it was where they are supposed to be. it was like coming back to a place.
She walked out of the car and collapsed.
They thought it was her usual dizziness and she shook her up.
Tee?
TIMARA ! WAKE UP!
She had this weird vision of the place but she couldn’t make anything out of it.
She stood up and looked around.
It was like a old fort, long stairs leading to pillared boundaries of an open hall.
Oddly silent and still.
Strange charge in atmosphere that makes you jumpy. Its like Something is moving but when you turn around to look at it everything is just so so very still.
they decided to take a better look, to explore some more, to capture it.
It was Huge place and very difficult to keep track of the ways but somehow timara knows exactly where to go and what she gonna find out there as if she is been to that place before in a dream maybe.
soon the sun was setting it’s Twilight, atmosphere turned shivery.
they decided to call it a day and return but they lost the way to exit. they started calling for help and suddenly they saw an old man.
‘you shouldn’t have come here, you you should have left a long ago what brings you here…
he trailed off when he saw her
‘oh! I can see that one of you is pulled to this place and you guys came along you girl what’s your name? ‘he asked timara
‘timara’
‘timara you have a strange relation with this place don’t you feel it? I think you do.
what do mean? I have never been to this place. Timara replied.
don’t you? are you sure about that? Said the old man suspiciously.
‘yes timara you seem to know this place’ Victor intervened
‘No. I don’t. I have never been to this place I..
let’s get out of this creepy place. She said stubbornly her stomach dropping.
‘No. you can’t. this place invites you, you come by your choice but you can’t leave once you are here and after sunset its more dangerous to even try.’
‘This is rubbish. I don’t believe in this superstitious rubbish. We need to get out we need to get out now.’ yelled David.
No, we cant. As the words came out of timara’s mouth she was shocked.

To be continued… 

Thoughts

It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too. 

Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.

The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.

In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts. 

How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.

Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.

It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.

Short story 

It was just another stupid party that they were in,
By they i mean mike and Shelly. Mike being a maths nerd was only there because Shelly loved parties. She wasn’t IMPOSING or anything it was how their friendship worked. Mike being cool with whatever Shelly wants and Shelly being Shelly cool, unpredictable and reckless.

Mike was wondering what hell was he doing in the middle of this stupid game when the bottle stopped in front of him.
And a moron guy asked him to kiss Shelly.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Everyone shouted as of their lives depend on his first kiss.
It’s ok mike its just a game said Shelly.
Just a game? He wanted to do it since forever, he has been in love with her since middle school but here he was a shy friendzoned maths nerd and she beautiful, outgoing, popular girl oblivious to his love for her.
It was a relief for him. The UNCERTAINTY was too high even according to his calculations. He can’t put his friendship on stake by telling her.
He was shaken out of his thought by Caleb, the cool guy who has been hitting on Shelly from the moment they arrived at his party.
Cmon dude, be a man.
Kiss her i know you want to. Caleb smirked.
Shut up Caleb leave him alone. Shelly chided him.
Well that was worse, she coming to his rescue.
C’mon oh! you don’t know how he looks at you, almost drooling. I bet he kisses you in his dreams.
I said shut up..
And it was too much, he walked away.
Shelly called after him
Mike?
Mike!
Mike stop!
They were out on the road. She grabbed his hand.
Mike where are you going?
I don’t belong here Shelly this place isn’t for guys like me. He said.
What are you saying you love coming to these parties. Shelly replied confused.
No i come because you like these parties, i come for you. But i can’t kiss you like that. Not like that no.
Like what?. He was thankful that it was dark out there.
And then out of the dark they saw HEADLIGHTS coming fast towards them and they held each other’s hand, closed their eyes.
Shelly swore.
“we are about to die” he yelled
But it came to a HALT right it front of them.
They kissed.
She chuckled “we are alive”
“More than ever” he said.
She raised an eyebrow at him “so?”
“Shelly i couldn’t kiss you and pretend its just a game as if it means nothing to me. ”
“Are you SUGGESTING that… ” she started

“Yes i may not be cool and lively like you and you wouldn’t go out with a guy who would bore you to the death. I… I understand and i don’t want to affect our friendship a.. And..…”
She interrupted him by a kiss
“And here i was thinking you deserve better that i m not good enough for you. ” she confessed
“What? “he blinked
“I guess we both assumed wrong ” she said
“move out of the way idiots ” the guy in the car yelled.
Laughing they both went hand in hand towards love.