She

You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
Out.
She is heavily guarded by walls around her,  you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.

You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.

Suicide 

Mostly I have always termed suicide as cowardice but now i actually can’t. because sometimes everything breaks inside you sometimes all you want is to stop being a name or a gender, to stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, stop being you, to choose not to exist at all, not to matter not even to yourself.

living is fighting and when you can’t see what you are fighting for or is it even worth it? giving up seems so tempting.

The battle with loneliness is worst when  you have ppl around you but you just can’t connect to them, not the lack of someone but lack of ability to make them understand you. 

I believe strongest is the person who has been most vulnerable once.

Emotional pain and helplessness is probably the worst combination ever. Trust me when i say this, one would do anything literally anything to escape these. That’s why most ppl hurt themselves. 

 I m not suicidal, I still don’t suggest killing yourself as a solution because 

even when you feel you have noone, you still have yourself.

 When thinking about living becomes scary, remind yourself it won’t be same forever. It gets better, if you survive worst, you will reach your best. You have to keep hope alive.  Its necessary to survive and sometimes that’s what happens living a little less surviving a little more but the question remains 

is it better than dying? Dying in parts?
 

 

Unrequited Love

I have watched you looking at her the way i look at you.
And i saw the pain on your face that i understood.
The agony of having no control over your own life
As if the key is in someone else’s hand
And you are locked in suffering forever.
There is nothing you could say or do
To change what is true.
I saw how it kills you but you still smile, for her
Like i do for you.
Hiding tears, faking enthusiasm.
Portraying a bold face or a cold indifference.
Both of us silently screaming.
Sometimes its too much
I know you wanna grab her and ask why? Why it can’t be you? Why it can’t be me?
You want her to make you hate her, i want to hate you too. But what can we really do?
Its not her fault, its neither mine nor yours.
We are doomed for rest of our existence
Hoping for a miracle
Dying inside.
You for her and i for you.


Dark Light

Chapter 1
Odd place
.

‘I don’t think its a good idea guys. ‘ said timara for the fifth time.
‘ Cmon dude it’s fine.’ Rachel chirped.
‘I think we took a wrong turn’ timara tried again nervously.
‘No, we are alright just a little more.’ said David
‘Are you..’ timara tried again but karine cut her
‘Yes tee. Now shut up.’
Bored of the same places of the small town they decided to explore little outside the town they had been driving for hours now to some place victor found on the internet. There was not much details of the place and timara wasn’t sure if its actually there. But she had this odd feeling about it

‘Here it is.’ said Sean
And suddenly the place felt right to timara as if it was where they are supposed to be. it was like coming back to a place.
She walked out of the car and collapsed.
They thought it was her usual dizziness and she shook her up.
Tee?
TIMARA ! WAKE UP!
She had this weird vision of the place but she couldn’t make anything out of it.
She stood up and looked around.
It was like a old fort, long stairs leading to pillared boundaries of an open hall.
Oddly silent and still.
Strange charge in atmosphere that makes you jumpy. Its like Something is moving but when you turn around to look at it everything is just so so very still.
they decided to take a better look, to explore some more, to capture it.
It was Huge place and very difficult to keep track of the ways but somehow timara knows exactly where to go and what she gonna find out there as if she is been to that place before in a dream maybe.
soon the sun was setting it’s Twilight, atmosphere turned shivery.
they decided to call it a day and return but they lost the way to exit. they started calling for help and suddenly they saw an old man.
‘you shouldn’t have come here, you you should have left a long ago what brings you here…
he trailed off when he saw her
‘oh! I can see that one of you is pulled to this place and you guys came along you girl what’s your name? ‘he asked timara
‘timara’
‘timara you have a strange relation with this place don’t you feel it? I think you do.
what do mean? I have never been to this place. Timara replied.
don’t you? are you sure about that? Said the old man suspiciously.
‘yes timara you seem to know this place’ Victor intervened
‘No. I don’t. I have never been to this place I..
let’s get out of this creepy place. She said stubbornly her stomach dropping.
‘No. you can’t. this place invites you, you come by your choice but you can’t leave once you are here and after sunset its more dangerous to even try.’
‘This is rubbish. I don’t believe in this superstitious rubbish. We need to get out we need to get out now.’ yelled David.
No, we cant. As the words came out of timara’s mouth she was shocked.

To be continued… 

Thoughts

It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too. 

Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.

The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.

In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts. 

How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.

Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.

It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.

Prostitution

ILLUMINATING in the FLUORESCENT lights
Streets INTERWINED with illegal trade and crimes
Long forgotten, the dreams in eyes
Dressed shiny in cheap style
She is neither a name nor a human kind.
Her value is how short is her dress
Or how many she sees everyday
Selling her body, feeding lust
There is no other identity than
Amount of money per hour she takes
Once a young beautiful bird,
Lured in hell away from nest.
Her name, she couldn’t remember anymore,
Was it tina? Tanya? Chakore?
We call her names, worst of all
A hoe, a slut, a bitch, a whore.
Day and night on a creaking bed.
Several times her clothes she shed.
She is from the land of goddesses
Living in illegal addresses,
Many like her nameless workers
Pimped around to horny jerkers
Roles she plays everyday,
To fill IMPERFECTION of their lives
Of the girl they desire or of their haughty wives.
Boosting ego, masculinity, his chauvinistic thoughts.
Safety and security is a history to her,
Goodness and respect, a MYSTERY .
She represents the IMPERFECTION of our Society
She represents the dirt in our minds.
She represent the hypocrisy in our character.
She represent the inhumanity in human kinds.

Enchanting Story

I waited my whole life For this to happen.That someday i gonna take a turn and the scene would be different.
Like narnia, hogwarts, fillory.I will dive in to a new beginning and after looking in every closet in every plateform between 9 and 10,Through every clock and
collecting many buttons.
Nothing happened until then.
Just when i decided to give up i stumbled across it.
I ran into an accident and woke up in it.

The beauty FORBIDDEN in my
World,the rainbows, the river, the scent of flowers,Birds chirping,Squirrels running.
Clean air,glittering land.
I also saw mister beaver.
A small pond of choclate and
Some candy trees of every flavor i saw gnomes squealing giggling And a fairy whispered in my ear.
“You came here oh mighty human!
To this ENCHANTED perilous place. ” PERILOUS ?
But its so beautiful so pure
I interjected.
” … and every beauty has a price.” She corrected.
The fairy choked with wide eyes and flew away in mist. I call for her but she disappeared so i tried taking a look around, went in the dense forest.
Something came behind me
Eyes blindfolded, i was lifted and i felt the earth moving then stopped when the smell of mud filled it. I ripped the blindfold off in the darkness. I stood up and looked around.there was noone. I was in a cave,the walls were wet. A little nudge on the feet i blinked and look down. Drawfs?
No goblins sir.
My name is mitaku and i m
Tarifi sir.
And i…
Ok hello.. Er.. so why did you kidnapped me? I asked
Because its not safe out there for you sir. Mitaku replied.
Why?
This is the world of beautiful ILLUSION sir.
Everything you can dream of is there, To some its just a good job or high salary
To some its a big plate of food, To some its a whole world. You made this world happen, so think what peril you must have added?
I.. I don’t know
Look around and think what it reminds you of?
The land is as beautiful as fillory, the creatures are as funny as narnians then if i added fillory and narnia there must be something of potter’s.
Is it dementors?
Or you know who?
Or pink fluffy umbridge?
Its black and fluffy no pink sir without a nose under a hood.
She is… She is..
We can’t take her name sir.
You know who is a she?
What is her name?
Lady voldemrige.
I gave a shaky laugh. It is really my imagination.

So i need to defeat her? Yes sir if you defeat her the kingdom will be yours.
Easy peasy its all in my mind isn’t it?
You don’t know the peril of poisonous thoughts sir.
You made it all happened by what you thought and once you think you can’t unthink it.
She is made up of your weaknesses, your worst nightmare, your worst memories. We have been keeping up with her but its you who needs to fight her or she will take over and this whole beautiful world will be enchanted with her darkness, we will all be frozen forever and you will suffer a fate worse than death.
I gulped. How do i fight her?
oh silly with all the goodness you have. Squealed a tiny little goblin girl from behind.
i told you to keep quiet terri said the leader mitaku.
So there are goblins and fairies and talking animals what else?no human?
I mean if there is a version of voldemort there must be
Alice? Hermione? Lucy?
I didn’t get you sir said mitaku
Obviously he is talking about the fountain girl. Squealed terri.
The fountain girl?
No no don’t stop her. Speak little one.

The girl who merpeople saw near the fountain, disappers in thin air. Dress in white,
Blond hair. Merpeople say she is a cursed witch. To free her from curse you have to kill the witch.
Lets kill the witch i said.
If you want to kill the witch you need to defeat her in her own game.
Its now or never. I have waited my whole life for a chance now is my chance to do something good, to be a hero.
I gonna challenge the evil witch i gonna save the good witch and i gonna rule this mind palace.
Marching out of the cave towards the battle ground.

The scene at the battle ground resembled that one stage i never succeded in the video game. She was there with a glowing sword laughing at me. I had my bow and arrow ready. Its simple three chances to kill and survive or lose and die.
I missed the first arrow, she moved so fast and i saw blood dripping, she got my shoulder.
With injured shoulder and shaking hands i aimed again towards when she came the white witch and whispered
Aim at the hawk, the evil’s bird. She gets her power from th bird. Kill the bird.
I know i just have this one moment before voldmridge knew what i did, i did it. She screamed with pain and fury and all went black. Every humiliating memory, every bad experience flashed around my eyes. The day he died, my father. The day she left, my lover. The day i failed. The darkness was growing on me slowly and slowly but then she jerked me up like a white light. Don’t lose it she said aim at her black heart but with the bunch of good thoughts, beautiful memories and happiness. you can do it.
I saw my mother’s face smiling, dad’s proud pat on my back, my dog running towards me and i killed the evil witch.
The sun shone bright.
The creatures yelled with delight
The beaver crowned me the king. The savior of my own world. She came smiling, more visible, more beautiful.
What’s your name? i asked
Alione she chirped.
Will you be my queen?
Oh but i already am.
This is my happily ever after.
I m here in my enchanted world.

He will survive, the accident was horrible..
but?
“He may remain in coma for indefinite time” said the doctor.

Rape

The Rhythm of vibrating bones

The crimson liquid running amok

And all humanity lost.

She screamed 

She struggled 

She tried fighting him off 

The lusty monster sneers

Tightening his hold 

Kicking her in the guts

He crawled away at last. 

She whimpered

Her screams died

The Peculiar silence pierced.

Night wept ,

the moon ashamed

The sky mourned

The air turned cold. 

They all witnessed the heinous crime. 

The death of Compassion in human kind. 

When fellow humans turned blind. 

She Trembled her way to home

Trapped in a real nightmare.