That day, in the cafeteria, when we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other and the electric charge that we had between us; from your smile to mine, more of a grin if I’d be honest.
The disturbance from our friends was bothering both of us, our polite engagement with them, finding ways to get hold of each other’s gaze and when we were finally alone, sitting together. Remember how you mocked my posture? My neck tilted on the support of my hand while I stare at you.
You felt special, didn’t you? At that moment you were caught up too.
Holding hands is a cliche, but you always believed in it and I always wondered why.
The walk we took in the breeze holding hands, was it love we breathed? You use to find excuses to give those friendly side hugs to me untill one day, when i was angry and you were worried to hell about it. I ran towards you and hugged you like a child and you held me with a sigh of relief.
Tell me, it was something beautiful that we had, was’nt it?
On every last night I lie awake, thinking or preparing most precisely to face the journey away. I preschedule my tears of goodbye to a night before so when the time to leave comes I can be the grown up kid.
I never say I miss home, I dodge the question with humor and “I got no time” kinda replies.
I dread coming home too, it makes me weak, tempts me, my home may not be a castle but I have been a princess. A princess who chose to be nothing but ordinary because she is that. Ordinary.
But not in her home, not in her castle.
She eats what she likes without moving an inch,
1/2 a minute of tantrum and her wishes fulfilled.
She is awarded with applauds on every fucking thing.
A world where she doesn’t need to compete, a world where she has been declared the best.
How do you leave such a place?
So I lay awake on the night before, choking tears and laboured breath.
I m loved and pampered and kept safe.
Not played, yelled and betrayed
Out I walk to the reality of life,
Screaming at times,
At times tongue tied.
I have my armor on, and my guards up,
No more the lacy gown or the golden cup.
You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
She is heavily guarded by walls around her, you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.
You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.
Mostly I have always termed suicide as cowardice but now i actually can’t. because sometimes everything breaks inside you sometimes all you want is to stop being a name or a gender, to stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, stop being you, to choose not to exist at all, not to matter not even to yourself.
living is fighting and when you can’t see what you are fighting for or is it even worth it? giving up seems so tempting.
The battle with loneliness is worst when you have ppl around you but you just can’t connect to them, not the lack of someone but lack of ability to make them understand you.
I believe strongest is the person who has been most vulnerable once.
Emotional pain and helplessness is probably the worst combination ever. Trust me when i say this, one would do anything literally anything to escape these. That’s why most ppl hurt themselves.
I m not suicidal, I still don’t suggest killing yourself as a solution because
even when you feel you have noone, you still have yourself.
When thinking about living becomes scary, remind yourself it won’t be same forever. It gets better, if you survive worst, you will reach your best. You have to keep hope alive. Its necessary to survive and sometimes that’s what happens living a little less surviving a little more but the question remains
is it better than dying? Dying in parts?
I have watched you looking at her the way i look at you.
And i saw the pain on your face that i understood.
The agony of having no control over your own life
As if the key is in someone else’s hand
And you are locked in suffering forever.
There is nothing you could say or do
To change what is true.
I saw how it kills you but you still smile, for her
Like i do for you.
Hiding tears, faking enthusiasm.
Portraying a bold face or a cold indifference.
Both of us silently screaming.
Sometimes its too much
I know you wanna grab her and ask why? Why it can’t be you? Why it can’t be me?
You want her to make you hate her, i want to hate you too. But what can we really do?
Its not her fault, its neither mine nor yours.
We are doomed for rest of our existence
Hoping for a miracle
You for her and i for you.
‘I don’t think its a good idea guys. ‘ said timara for the fifth time.
‘ Cmon dude it’s fine.’ Rachel chirped.
‘I think we took a wrong turn’ timara tried again nervously.
‘No, we are alright just a little more.’ said David
‘Are you..’ timara tried again but karine cut her
‘Yes tee. Now shut up.’
Bored of the same places of the small town they decided to explore little outside the town they had been driving for hours now to some place victor found on the internet. There was not much details of the place and timara wasn’t sure if its actually there. But she had this odd feeling about it
‘Here it is.’ said Sean
And suddenly the place felt right to timara as if it was where they are supposed to be. it was like coming back to a place.
She walked out of the car and collapsed.
They thought it was her usual dizziness and she shook her up.
TIMARA ! WAKE UP!
She had this weird vision of the place but she couldn’t make anything out of it.
She stood up and looked around.
It was like a old fort, long stairs leading to pillared boundaries of an open hall.
Oddly silent and still.
Strange charge in atmosphere that makes you jumpy. Its like Something is moving but when you turn around to look at it everything is just so so very still.
they decided to take a better look, to explore some more, to capture it.
It was Huge place and very difficult to keep track of the ways but somehow timara knows exactly where to go and what she gonna find out there as if she is been to that place before in a dream maybe.
soon the sun was setting it’s Twilight, atmosphere turned shivery.
they decided to call it a day and return but they lost the way to exit. they started calling for help and suddenly they saw an old man.
‘you shouldn’t have come here, you you should have left a long ago what brings you here…
he trailed off when he saw her
‘oh! I can see that one of you is pulled to this place and you guys came along you girl what’s your name? ‘he asked timara
‘timara you have a strange relation with this place don’t you feel it? I think you do.
what do mean? I have never been to this place. Timara replied.
don’t you? are you sure about that? Said the old man suspiciously.
‘yes timara you seem to know this place’ Victor intervened
‘No. I don’t. I have never been to this place I..
let’s get out of this creepy place. She said stubbornly her stomach dropping.
‘No. you can’t. this place invites you, you come by your choice but you can’t leave once you are here and after sunset its more dangerous to even try.’
‘This is rubbish. I don’t believe in this superstitious rubbish. We need to get out we need to get out now.’ yelled David.
No, we cant. As the words came out of timara’s mouth she was shocked.
To be continued…
It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too.
Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.
The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.
In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts.
How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.
Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.
It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.