She

You think she is hard to deal with,
She pushes you to your limits, to your breaking point.
To see if you’re really worth her time.
Its not superiority, no.
Its her way of shielding herself from more disappointment.
Most of you lose,
You blame her for making your inner demon roar out,
As if she puts those words in your mouth,
She made you act the most disgusting way.
But all she does is keep you away,
Out.
She is heavily guarded by walls around her,  you shiver in the wrath of cold wind, outside.

You think she doesn’t treat you right when all she wanna see is how you’ll treat her when you see her for what she is,
When she stops being this unapproachable mystery,
When you meet her inner demons,
When you walk in her darkness
And when she isn’t that happy go lucky as she seems from outside.
She just try to see if you are worth shedding her layers for.

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Thoughts

It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too. 

Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.

The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.

In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts. 

How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.

Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.

It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.

Short story 

It was just another stupid party that they were in,
By they i mean mike and Shelly. Mike being a maths nerd was only there because Shelly loved parties. She wasn’t IMPOSING or anything it was how their friendship worked. Mike being cool with whatever Shelly wants and Shelly being Shelly cool, unpredictable and reckless.

Mike was wondering what hell was he doing in the middle of this stupid game when the bottle stopped in front of him.
And a moron guy asked him to kiss Shelly.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Everyone shouted as of their lives depend on his first kiss.
It’s ok mike its just a game said Shelly.
Just a game? He wanted to do it since forever, he has been in love with her since middle school but here he was a shy friendzoned maths nerd and she beautiful, outgoing, popular girl oblivious to his love for her.
It was a relief for him. The UNCERTAINTY was too high even according to his calculations. He can’t put his friendship on stake by telling her.
He was shaken out of his thought by Caleb, the cool guy who has been hitting on Shelly from the moment they arrived at his party.
Cmon dude, be a man.
Kiss her i know you want to. Caleb smirked.
Shut up Caleb leave him alone. Shelly chided him.
Well that was worse, she coming to his rescue.
C’mon oh! you don’t know how he looks at you, almost drooling. I bet he kisses you in his dreams.
I said shut up..
And it was too much, he walked away.
Shelly called after him
Mike?
Mike!
Mike stop!
They were out on the road. She grabbed his hand.
Mike where are you going?
I don’t belong here Shelly this place isn’t for guys like me. He said.
What are you saying you love coming to these parties. Shelly replied confused.
No i come because you like these parties, i come for you. But i can’t kiss you like that. Not like that no.
Like what?. He was thankful that it was dark out there.
And then out of the dark they saw HEADLIGHTS coming fast towards them and they held each other’s hand, closed their eyes.
Shelly swore.
“we are about to die” he yelled
But it came to a HALT right it front of them.
They kissed.
She chuckled “we are alive”
“More than ever” he said.
She raised an eyebrow at him “so?”
“Shelly i couldn’t kiss you and pretend its just a game as if it means nothing to me. ”
“Are you SUGGESTING that… ” she started

“Yes i may not be cool and lively like you and you wouldn’t go out with a guy who would bore you to the death. I… I understand and i don’t want to affect our friendship a.. And..…”
She interrupted him by a kiss
“And here i was thinking you deserve better that i m not good enough for you. ” she confessed
“What? “he blinked
“I guess we both assumed wrong ” she said
“move out of the way idiots ” the guy in the car yelled.
Laughing they both went hand in hand towards love.

Potterhead 

I stumbled through platform 9&3/4 and some how ended up boarding the hogwarts express.
Enjoying the chocolate frogs and betty bott’s every flavor beans i went to hogwarts.
And it became a home to me.
Every time Hermione scored some points i tirumped.
I hopped on my broom to catch snitch like harry.
The mirror reflected my desire to be there.
The basilik tried to kill me.
I loved hagrid’s tea parties though his rock cake messed with my teeth.
I hated draco just for the fun of it and in potions me and neville almost failed.
My tea leaves predicted grim,
When the masmurderer was running amok, i try hiding in harry’s invisibility cloak.
I try befriending houselves
Though they weren’t in hogwarts a history.
I ate canary creams, feathers all over me.
I went to feed thresals with luna. She said i m as sane as she is.
Memory lane with Dumbledore right through the penisieve.
I skipped a beat when Hungarian horntail almost got harry.

Stupefy, expelliarmus, incendo
.
My patronus was a bird soaring.
Yes i was a member of DA
Rebelling against umbridge.
I went on search of horcruxes,
Invaded gringotts,
Trespassing ministry,
Morn over Dumbledore’s body,
Flew a dragon,
And fought in the battle of hogwarts.
Yes i did went there with

Harry ron hermione
,
Yes i lived those seven years
Several times through books and movies.
Cried with every death
Be it Dumbledore, fred, sirius, tonks, moody, remus or dobby.
Yes i won the triwizard cup.
Yes i was in gryfindoor, slythrin, hufflepuff and ravenclaw.
I studied with hermione,
Caught snitch with harry,
Got poisoned with ron,
Was laughed on with luna,
loved harry like ginny.

The book is my patronous to the dementors of life.

A baggage

Lets pack a bag
Of all the bad things that happened.
All the people who you hated. All your guilt regret and worry
Pack it so that you can carry,
Carry it on your back
Getting heavier with each step you take.
Slouching, bending
Stoop to crawling.
Until you can’t move ahead .
Baggage is now crushing your head.
You came to halt,
Its all your fault.
You need to light the bag
Write it down,
What happened.
Flush it,
Burn it or
Tear it apart.
Let go.
Now comes the time for the ppl you hate.
Give them the benifit of being only human.
You are not responsible for their actions
So you try to forgive and forget.
Trickiest of all,
Its your call
To say its ok
To yourself.
To let go of all the guilt
And overcome every regret.
Moving on its still there
Weight of useless worries
List down
All the happy things,
Note down all the options you have,
Pen down what you can do.
And take a deep breath.
Now its time you throw away.
The empty little bag.
So that you never ever
tempt to Fill it again.

Sleepless night.

Bizzare thoughts of an unnerved mind, Human desires of am inhuman kind.

An angry bliss
What did you miss?
A cool breeze of an autumn night.
Clear sky and the moonlight.
Gazing the pattern the stars made,
Naming my own constellations. Until a peck of uninvited
Fellows, disturbs the whole
Heavenly sight.
Back again, under the roof.
Like a genie just gone with a poof.
The comfy bed, the artificial air.
Soothing but no waving hair.
The pillow talks
With tedy bear.
At 2 am the stomach growl.
Its time for nightime snack bowl.
Tip toe into kitchen space,
Where mouses are running race.
The tired eyes and noisy head.
Settled to read a torn book.
Lets get back to the potter world
Did you like trice’s new look?
Or is it edward bella’s wedding day?
Or Hannah baker is live in stereo?
What world is your escape today?
The struggle of eyes
Against the stubborn mind.
Oh shutdown your train of thoughts.
Stop tangling the memory knots.
The sun comes up.
And the mind gives up.
The eyes have finally won the fight .
The train of thoughts
Comes to its stop
And an end to sleepless night.

Gloomy day 

A gloomy day. I wish.

I could just drown myself in the bucket of water.

Or peel my skin off,

i don’t wana be in my skin and bones.

I can shoot a bullet in my brain

Or just somehow not be me.

Can i?

Can i stop being me.
Destroying yourself is so easy. You don’t even see it coming.

Few wrong decisions and boom!

You are in pieces.

Gather them can you?

Every little piece of yourself?

From the tiniest to the largest?

Put them together with a cellotape or glue?

Sew them with a thread?

But what can you do if the strings keep breaking?

How many times can you tie a knot?
Another glomy day

I feel its growing

The darkness inside me.

I feel myself turning

Colder and colder.

I feel my voice turning into whispers.

I feel the earth below me shaking.
Just one more day

I promise myself.

It gets better isn’t a lie.

Just one more day.

It will change i swear.

Either into bearable

Or it will cease to matter.

In both, it will get better.

Another gloomy day dies

And i survive.

Dear you. 

If you are happy with what you have, 
If you are content with your life. 
If you can meet your eyes in the mirror. 
If regrets do not keep you awake at night. 

If you are not paying for your mistakes every day. 
If you are better than ppl around you. 

Then be grateful. 
Be thankful. 
Appreciate what you have.
Enjoy when you can. 

Love-the greatest intoxication. 

Sometimes a stranger can make you feel connected in a way noone else has ever done. Love for me is that connection. Love for me is that understanding when you silently communicate through your eyes. When you are one step ahead of each other in taking care of each other. 
In love we often say things about the sun, the moon the stars, the heart, and many other things but all pretentious nothing matches to reality, “I will pluck star from the sky for u” might be a metaphor for “I’l do anything for you.” But “sun dies everyday to let moon breath” is nothing but downright insult to the person’s knowledge of the universe. So Whosoever wanna say “I’l take all the pain just to see you smile” should find a better metaphor. Actually don’t. Nobody needs to hear delusional statements, say it as it is. Call a spade a spade. Address flaws, say what you want. Loud and clear. Love isn’t perfect, you are not either and Nothing is. So why bother? 
People tend to act, say, react stupidly in love. But the problem isn’t falling in love, the problem is giving it your own definition. Love cannot be defined through words but most ppl try it and what comes out is all wrong. You just have to feel it and the spark in your eyes, the smile on your face, the giddiness in your actions will convey.

The more you look for the reason the more you will end up in confusion. The more you run for perfection the farther you will get from it. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Love is

Celebrating togetherness. ​

Its all in your head

Can you hear your world falling apart? Crashing at your feet? No? Of course not. It doesn’t make soundDoes it? Its a piercing silence. Unnerving stillness. You look around, blinking, you wanna run, shout warnings but you can’t, Trapped in your own mind. Okay from outside, crumbling inside. 

Crying, sobbing in darkness until its all numb. As if you are dead on feets. You can feel it all, but can you do something to stop it? To save it? To just pause it? No but you are freezing aren’t you? Freezing naked in the cold. Oh, don’t you wish to be burnt in hell instead? Not happening. Is there someone with a warm piece of cloth? Anyone? No. 

Of course not. Noone can see you. As if you are invisible but you are not. You are just another faceless nobody, a part of the sulking crowd. 

Dying with every passing day, with pain

With fear

With agony 

With ruthlessness

And all is in you and you are the reason of all. 

Don’t you wish to just die. In one blink? Going to sleep and never waking up? 

Except that’s not what happens, not that easy. No no.. 

You die every day, every minute every second. 

A teensy bit of death. 

And it all happens silently 

Because its all in your head.