I have watched you looking at her the way i look at you.
And i saw the pain on your face that i understood.
The agony of having no control over your own life
As if the key is in someone else’s hand
And you are locked in suffering forever.
There is nothing you could say or do
To change what is true.
I saw how it kills you but you still smile, for her
Like i do for you.
Hiding tears, faking enthusiasm.
Portraying a bold face or a cold indifference.
Both of us silently screaming.
Sometimes its too much
I know you wanna grab her and ask why? Why it can’t be you? Why it can’t be me?
You want her to make you hate her, i want to hate you too. But what can we really do?
Its not her fault, its neither mine nor yours.
We are doomed for rest of our existence
Hoping for a miracle
You for her and i for you.
It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too.
Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.
The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.
In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts.
How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.
Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.
It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.