Thoughts

It scares me sometimes, how close i get to surrender myself to my demons. When life gets hard and search for ways to get out of trouble starts one encounters a lot of tempting shortcuts too. 

Sometimes you think just this once, just this once if i compromise my morality i would never have to do this again. That “once” is a lie.

The thoughts i have aren’t worthy of writing, in written they can harm more than just me but it is scary to keep them locked in, it will slowly drive me crazy.

In the years of human existence, they have enlisted deadliest poisons not once did they listed the most common one, thoughts. 

How easy it is to turn a mere doubt into solid belief, just think it more than once. How easy it is to talk yourself in and out of things, just keep thinking in that direction. We always want what we think we deserve and lament how unfair life is. But is it? Because what we deserve isn’t what we think we should get.

Thoughts can be deceptive, they can lure you away from reality. It can all be slipping out of your hand when you think you have it under your thumb or you will be thinking of how miserable your life is, avoiding all the good things in front of your eyes.

It makes a tiny atom into an atom bomb that explodes taking others with you unpredictably.
It remembers every bad experience, every bad memory and it gives you flash backs and that fuels your bitterness. It makes you shut down, choose solitude when you need others the most. It can make demon out of blank darkness. Sometimes you think you need to do this there is no other way but there are other ways you are just blinded by what you think. Sometimes you spend all your life in denials because you train you mind like that. How easily it can slowly takes you to the end, before you know it you are there. What scare me the most is that I have no control on what i think, i can divert it, distract myself, avoid it but can’t stop it.

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Sleepless night.

Bizzare thoughts of an unnerved mind, Human desires of am inhuman kind.

An angry bliss
What did you miss?
A cool breeze of an autumn night.
Clear sky and the moonlight.
Gazing the pattern the stars made,
Naming my own constellations. Until a peck of uninvited
Fellows, disturbs the whole
Heavenly sight.
Back again, under the roof.
Like a genie just gone with a poof.
The comfy bed, the artificial air.
Soothing but no waving hair.
The pillow talks
With tedy bear.
At 2 am the stomach growl.
Its time for nightime snack bowl.
Tip toe into kitchen space,
Where mouses are running race.
The tired eyes and noisy head.
Settled to read a torn book.
Lets get back to the potter world
Did you like trice’s new look?
Or is it edward bella’s wedding day?
Or Hannah baker is live in stereo?
What world is your escape today?
The struggle of eyes
Against the stubborn mind.
Oh shutdown your train of thoughts.
Stop tangling the memory knots.
The sun comes up.
And the mind gives up.
The eyes have finally won the fight .
The train of thoughts
Comes to its stop
And an end to sleepless night.

Gloomy day 

A gloomy day. I wish.

I could just drown myself in the bucket of water.

Or peel my skin off,

i don’t wana be in my skin and bones.

I can shoot a bullet in my brain

Or just somehow not be me.

Can i?

Can i stop being me.
Destroying yourself is so easy. You don’t even see it coming.

Few wrong decisions and boom!

You are in pieces.

Gather them can you?

Every little piece of yourself?

From the tiniest to the largest?

Put them together with a cellotape or glue?

Sew them with a thread?

But what can you do if the strings keep breaking?

How many times can you tie a knot?
Another glomy day

I feel its growing

The darkness inside me.

I feel myself turning

Colder and colder.

I feel my voice turning into whispers.

I feel the earth below me shaking.
Just one more day

I promise myself.

It gets better isn’t a lie.

Just one more day.

It will change i swear.

Either into bearable

Or it will cease to matter.

In both, it will get better.

Another gloomy day dies

And i survive.